ten days

The past ten days have been eventful. First I saw my Dad and my step mum and sisters; my mice had 3 babies. But I noticed like a week after they were born. They're growing so fast; I got my nose pierced and it's healing nicely. My boss noticed which got us into the biggest conversation about piercings and tattoo's, haha he's shocked that I have tattoo's. Oh, I also got blamed for starting a rumour about myself. Apparently I told people I slept with my friend, his girlfriend told me to watch my back, among other colourful things. Why would I start a rumour about myself? Why would anyone, especially a bad one? Wow, some people are so dumb. So anyway I wont be heading down to Tasmania anytime soon. 9 out of 10 of the teenagers and apparent "young adults" that live there (the East Coast) have servere SMALL TOWN SYNDROME and have nothing better to do than make other peoples lives hard. I've copped my fair share of abuse from people down there, some of it was deserved, but most of it not. I do not miss any of that at all. I have nothing to go to down there. The people have ruined the most beautiful place in the world for me. They have achieved their goal to make it as ugly as their hearts. However, there are a few exceptions, and they are the most amazing people. But those people I can count one two hands. Everyone else, is so so sad. They make me ashamed to say I grew up there. How much more sad is it that when they're not starting a brawl, they're taking drugs and having sex every weekend. That's not much of a life. Life is amazing, why waste it?

i've been thinking

Well, I haven't written a blog for a while. I was fasting the internet for a week and thought of so many blog topics in that time, but of course now I've forgotten them all. Why don't I just talk about something important. Okay, so I was in Sydney last weekend and saw so many homeless people. I realise that some of them actually choose that lifestyle but I drove past a man begging on the street, right on the path with his hands out, and everyone just walked past him. Out of the dozens of people I saw walk right by him, only 2 looked at him; but still kept walking. If I wasn't in a walking car I would have given him something. I suppose I could have comando-rolled out of the window, but I didn't. I'm not sure what to do in the situations where I see homeless people. Everything within me wants to give them money but I refrain because I'm scared they're just going to waste it on drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. This is why I think we should make up bags of essentials, like soap and shampoo, shaving equipment. And FOOD! Or even a blanket or a bottle of water. This would be very appreciated by them, I really believe!

Of course we can focus on problems around the world like starvation, thirst and sex slavery, of course, but we also need to focus on problems in our own backyard. Our community is our backyard and people in it need help too. There are even people who are so alone, who just need someone to talk to or to help them around the house. If they even have a house. I really want to do something about this! I also want to adopt a child. How awful it must feel to think no one wants you? Your very own family doesn't want you, or they couldn't have you? I want to give a child, or a number of children hope. Adoption wont be happening for a number of years though. But I can help homeless and needy and lonely people right now! I, we need to take a stand. All that seems to happen in the world is the current generation blames the previous one for all the problems in the world. Why don't we man up and instead of finding someone to blame, fix it! Fix all the problems ourselves. So that the next generation thanks us, instead of looking down on us for doing nothing. And lets face it, if we don't do something soon there wont be many generations left to come. The o-zone layer is that bad at the moment!

A21

I didn't realise that today human trafficking is a huge problem. Approximately 27million (so a lot of) people are sold as slaves for work or sex, or whatever; and only 1% of them get rescued, so 99% of the people (mostly women and children) are sold and used for the rest of their lives, until they die or get murdered.

AND there are millions of children in third world countries that die before they turn 5. That's just not fair. They don't even have clean drinking water. The water they drink is full of bacteria that once swallowed is fatal. Some are even born with aids because of their parents, they have no hope.

AND there are women in some countries that are totally rejected and isolated for having aids AND some women even get their ears, nose and lips cut off, sometimes for no reason at all. There are campaignes that are raising money to restore these womens faces, plastic surgeons are willing to give them new faces, give them back what was taken from them.

And of course there are problems locally. Elderly people who have no one to help them. Some of them can't even do something as simple as changing a light bulb.

I don't know about you guys but I think this is all pretty disgusting and id like to do something about it! You know, you can buy a person in the trafficking "industry" for as little as $90. So I want to go buy heaps of trafficked people and set them free. Obviously I can't do that, but we need to come together and make a change. The A21 Campaign aims at human trafficing, we should all give them money to help all the people, to change the figure from 1% to 100% resued, lives restored. Human trafficking even goes on in Australia. This disappoints me, I had no idea, I am no longer proud of my country. The main country with the problem is Europe, and Mexico. Lets be the change people!

www.thea21campaign.org talks about ways we can help. One particular way that I am going to do as of now, is: FAST ON THE 21ST
"On the 21st day of every month, fast for the work The A21 Campaign is doing in Greece and around the world as together we stand in agreement to see the injustice of human trafficking abolished."
It also lists other ways we can help; start an awareness group, sponsorship, volunteers and many more. I ask that you consider others, and really try to help.

by jonti baylis

This is taken and edited by my friend. It is amazing. He is amazing. He captures the once beautiful world, and makes it beautiful again.

the ex factor

I've been thinking today, because I've been so bored!!! And it struck me that almost a year after me and my ex before my last ex broke up, I was still talking to him. Or at least trying to. Not to mention, I was having conversations with his new girlfriend, a year after hima dn I broke up. And only four months after the break up with my most recent ex, I have stopped talking to him, and trying. I don't want to talk to him. I feel no reason or need to, he makes me sick. But it's funny, even though when I was with my recent ex I thought my love for my first ex was nothing in comparison; it did take me longer to get over my ex before mt most recent ex. Wow all this ex talk, it's confusing to even me.

I just think it's really funny, although my other ex was my first everything else, he wasn't my first fiancee. Yuck I hate that I've been engaged and now am, I guess divorced in a sence. And even though I was engaged to my most recent ex, I feel no "connection" or ties to him. It took me roughly two months, maybe three, to get over him. However, my first ex - if I was to be completely honest with myself, I think I still had feelings for him while I was in the relationship with my recent ex. Like, I didn't love him, I "loved" my current boyfriend, but I still cared for him and wanted contact. But with my recent ex, pfft, he could probably die and I wouldn't blink. Okay thats a lie, I'd be pretty upset just because someone I was once so close to is now gone forever, but in sayng that he's dead to me now. That sounds really mean, but nothing compared to what he said to me: Before we broke up he was saying stuff to me like "I wish you were dead." - no exaggeration, he actually said that in all seriousness once... but my point is, I don't care about him at all anymore; only four months later, and I feel nothing towards him. I can even smell that stupid English Blazer cologne he wore and not get upset, it takes me back, but the memory doesn't hurt me anymore.

I think it has a lot to do with how horrible he was to me, and man i'm making him sound awful - and he really was - but I obviously have some taste, sometimes he was nice, like every tenth "blue moon". In the beginning he was absolutely amazing, he made me feel special every day, and worth it. Then after I was his "property" his true colours came out.
It's sad how much people change. I blame myself a little, for him changing so much. I wanted to change the fact that he smokes, it's wrong but it's also fair enough. I would think, that if you love someone enough you should be able to change one thing about you that you don't need. No way would I have ever wanted him to change who he was, just one little thing he did. And in the end I learned to be okay with it, he just couldn't do it around me because it's putrid. And somehow that changed him? I don't think so. I think he was always a horrible person, hiding behind this incredible guy, just waiting to come out. Does he even respect women? If he's telling someone he "loves" he wants them dead, then, wow. I'm glad it didn't get as far as physical abuse. It wouldn't have surprised me though, if it got that far. I wouldn't put it past him. There was one time I actually thought he was going to hit me, I was so scared, he was going off his face just because I didn't want to be alone at that stupid house we lived in. All I wanted was affection, for once. He ruined me.

I was so lonely, I lived with my fiancee but I was more lonely than I've ever been. More lonely than I am now and im single. Please explain how that works? No. I know how it works. I was in a worldly relationship with a selfish b****** who treated me like crap. I wanted him to notice me, I wanted affection and to be held and kissed like we used to do, I wanted to feel his love again. Even when he was home I was lonely, he didn't care about me at all. He didn't even help me. He didn't even comfort me. I asked him what he thought of me looks wise, because it had been that long since he'd said anything nice about me - he said "You're underaverage." and thought I was ridiculous when I got upset about it. Fair enough if I am, but far out he could have lied. And then he tried to tell me he was joking, but guess what, he never changed it. He never said anything better than underaverage. I was always just underaverage. I always will just be, underaverage. In his eyes anyway.

So I think I've explained to myself why it has taken me such a short time to get over him. If I could go back and change anything I wouldn't. Apart from making it so we never met, I wouldn't change the fact that we broke up. Actually, just before my birthday I broke up with him, because it was just crap. But then I missed him so i took him back. I would have not gone back to him if I could go back and change that. He was so unhealthy for me, he was like a poison ruining my life everytime I was with him. He was poisoning my thoughts, my self esteem, and my life.

Haha, I sound pretty messed up right now, but I actually am thoroughly enjoying life now, i've actually probably never been this happy. Thanks to him, for leaving me and giving me a chance of happiness :)

Weeping may endure for a night (there may be pain in the night), but Joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

my beautiful babies

This is Harry and Shekira. Harry (the dark one) is my friend Ed's, and Shekira (the light one) is mine. They live at my house, and last night Harry escaped and we almost couldn't find him. Houdini. I love them :)

in bad situations

I have discovered that when I am in a bad situation and don't know what to do, I laugh? For example, someone asked me if my pop was dead once, and I laughed. Obviously I don't think its funny, but my body doesn't know how to react to such a hurtful question, so it makes me laugh.

Yesterday, I was with some friends and one of them asked me a question that no one has asked me before. It was very private and answering it hurt me, which unfortunately my answer to was yes. It was something that I don't like talking about, that hardly anyone else knows. And of course, I felt awkward, uncomfortable and hurt, so I laughed. I don't undersdtand why I do this? And I didn't feel hurt because my friend asked me, I felt hurt because it was bringing up memories. And no one has ever asked the question before, so I was shocked. I'm obviously not going to tell you the question, especially on the internet.. But if you think of something in your past that's really hurt you, and you're probably thinking it has something to do with my engagement that was called off? No. It's much bigger than that; you might be able to see how hard it was for me.

Last night I went to a course about grief, and that helped. But we were talking about a different kind of grief, more of a loss grief. But everyone knows I need that too! And now someone knows my answer to the question I'd never been asked.

When I should cry or scream in answer to horrible questions, why do I laugh? Does it have something to do with the fact that I'm generally a happy person? Or is it because of my pride, I don't want to breakdown in front of people - so I laugh instead? Or maybe, I want to cheer myself up in an instant so I laugh, sending a "natural high" to my brain? Or, maybe, I'm just weird...?

the rules of engagement

To be engaged is obviously one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Or at least it should be. If you know me, you'll know that I was engaged. In the beginning it was beautiful, I couldn't be happier. But now nearly four months after we ended it, I am starting to realise that I was engaged for the wrong reason. I am convinced that "Mr X" only proposed to me to ensure I was faithful. He'd heard rumours that i'd cheated on him, which were incorrect, but to keep him at peace he proposed to me. I honestly believe he didn't want to marry me at the time, or any time he said he couldn't wait to. It's also obvious because when he proposed he didn't have a ring, it wasn't something that he'd been thinking about or planned; it just happened one night. And because our relationship was long distance for more than half of it, he couldn't be sure that I was faithful - so I guess he thought if he put a ring on my finger it would give me insentive to behave. Even though the whole time I was faithful, and he was the one who was sleeping around behind my back. He probably thought "well, I love Ash but i've cheated on her, so what's stopping her from cheating on me?" No. I do not work like that. If i'm in a relationship with someone I mean it. Just like I meant it when I got engaged, when he proposed was the best night of my whole life. Not long after I "became his properety" more permenently he turned ugly. He was not a nice boy. And I say boy because even though he is a 22 year old man, he has so much growing up to do. In saying that when he proposed was the best night of my life, when he broke up with me to do drugs was the worst. But only four months later that horrid day has turned into the best day of my life. Obviously I remember the pain I felt, and how heart broken I was - but my life would have been miserable with such a nasty, selfish and decietful boy.

I look forward to being engaged again - I hate that there is an "again" - and this time to the right person. Someoone who wants to actually marry me, not someone who is doing it to simply control my actions. Marriage is going to be spectacular, especially with the right person. I really look forward to finding the right man and settling down, it will be my best adventure yet :)

i have the biggest urge to be with an indian

if i go crazy then will you still call me superman?

There are no words, to paint a picture of you girl
Your eyes, those curves, it's like you're from some other world
You walk my way, oh God is so frustrating.

It aint no lie, I have to tell you how I feel,
Each time, I try it gets a little more unreal,
You walk my way,oh God is so frustrating.

So why do I disappear when you come near,
It makes me feel so small,
If I could read your mind,
Girl would I find, any trace of me at all.

If I could be your superman,
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.
'cause everytime you touched my hand,
You feel my powers running through your veins.
But I can only write this song,
And tell you that I'm not that strong.
Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am.

i just liked it

It always fascinates me how people go from loving you madly, to nothing at all.