the ex factor

I've been thinking today, because I've been so bored!!! And it struck me that almost a year after me and my ex before my last ex broke up, I was still talking to him. Or at least trying to. Not to mention, I was having conversations with his new girlfriend, a year after hima dn I broke up. And only four months after the break up with my most recent ex, I have stopped talking to him, and trying. I don't want to talk to him. I feel no reason or need to, he makes me sick. But it's funny, even though when I was with my recent ex I thought my love for my first ex was nothing in comparison; it did take me longer to get over my ex before mt most recent ex. Wow all this ex talk, it's confusing to even me.

I just think it's really funny, although my other ex was my first everything else, he wasn't my first fiancee. Yuck I hate that I've been engaged and now am, I guess divorced in a sence. And even though I was engaged to my most recent ex, I feel no "connection" or ties to him. It took me roughly two months, maybe three, to get over him. However, my first ex - if I was to be completely honest with myself, I think I still had feelings for him while I was in the relationship with my recent ex. Like, I didn't love him, I "loved" my current boyfriend, but I still cared for him and wanted contact. But with my recent ex, pfft, he could probably die and I wouldn't blink. Okay thats a lie, I'd be pretty upset just because someone I was once so close to is now gone forever, but in sayng that he's dead to me now. That sounds really mean, but nothing compared to what he said to me: Before we broke up he was saying stuff to me like "I wish you were dead." - no exaggeration, he actually said that in all seriousness once... but my point is, I don't care about him at all anymore; only four months later, and I feel nothing towards him. I can even smell that stupid English Blazer cologne he wore and not get upset, it takes me back, but the memory doesn't hurt me anymore.

I think it has a lot to do with how horrible he was to me, and man i'm making him sound awful - and he really was - but I obviously have some taste, sometimes he was nice, like every tenth "blue moon". In the beginning he was absolutely amazing, he made me feel special every day, and worth it. Then after I was his "property" his true colours came out.
It's sad how much people change. I blame myself a little, for him changing so much. I wanted to change the fact that he smokes, it's wrong but it's also fair enough. I would think, that if you love someone enough you should be able to change one thing about you that you don't need. No way would I have ever wanted him to change who he was, just one little thing he did. And in the end I learned to be okay with it, he just couldn't do it around me because it's putrid. And somehow that changed him? I don't think so. I think he was always a horrible person, hiding behind this incredible guy, just waiting to come out. Does he even respect women? If he's telling someone he "loves" he wants them dead, then, wow. I'm glad it didn't get as far as physical abuse. It wouldn't have surprised me though, if it got that far. I wouldn't put it past him. There was one time I actually thought he was going to hit me, I was so scared, he was going off his face just because I didn't want to be alone at that stupid house we lived in. All I wanted was affection, for once. He ruined me.

I was so lonely, I lived with my fiancee but I was more lonely than I've ever been. More lonely than I am now and im single. Please explain how that works? No. I know how it works. I was in a worldly relationship with a selfish b****** who treated me like crap. I wanted him to notice me, I wanted affection and to be held and kissed like we used to do, I wanted to feel his love again. Even when he was home I was lonely, he didn't care about me at all. He didn't even help me. He didn't even comfort me. I asked him what he thought of me looks wise, because it had been that long since he'd said anything nice about me - he said "You're underaverage." and thought I was ridiculous when I got upset about it. Fair enough if I am, but far out he could have lied. And then he tried to tell me he was joking, but guess what, he never changed it. He never said anything better than underaverage. I was always just underaverage. I always will just be, underaverage. In his eyes anyway.

So I think I've explained to myself why it has taken me such a short time to get over him. If I could go back and change anything I wouldn't. Apart from making it so we never met, I wouldn't change the fact that we broke up. Actually, just before my birthday I broke up with him, because it was just crap. But then I missed him so i took him back. I would have not gone back to him if I could go back and change that. He was so unhealthy for me, he was like a poison ruining my life everytime I was with him. He was poisoning my thoughts, my self esteem, and my life.

Haha, I sound pretty messed up right now, but I actually am thoroughly enjoying life now, i've actually probably never been this happy. Thanks to him, for leaving me and giving me a chance of happiness :)

Weeping may endure for a night (there may be pain in the night), but Joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5