the discomfort of four walls

Lately, I haven't been getting many shifts at my work, because last month they spent an extra $20,000 on staff wages. As much as anyone would love to only work on the weekends like I've been doing, I actually am not enjoying it. First for the obvious reason of not getting paid as much as I need to, but also because I find myself sitting at home all day doing nothing.

Lately I've made really amazing friends and have been thouroughly enjoying my life and time with them, it's just days like today when they're all busy with work, or Uni or Tafe and i'm just sitting at home chilling out with myself. It's extremely boring and lonely.

When I'm working I hate it, I'd rather be with friends and they do things like road trips to Newcastle and I have to work. But we do have fun times, like dress ups to celebrate the Mardi Gras. Back to the point, IM BORED. Im lonely right now. I'd rather be at work counting money - as boring as that is - but at least i'd have something to occupy me. Even if I had a decent TV series to watch i'd be alright. But that's a waste of a day. The weather isn't too swell but I like to achieve at least one thing evach day. Today, I haven't achieved anything. What a disappointment.

realistion

Last night I came to the realisation that I still have the want to be someones girlfriend. This selfish desire is something that I need to get rid of. As much as I would't complain if someone wanted me back, but that isn't my main focus. Or, my focus at all. Like I said in a previous blog, I need to work on becoming the right woman through God, and being the best future girlfriend and/or wife, before I worry about getting the right boyfriend.

Matthew 6:25-27
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry.." and it goes on.

the interesting

happiness ☺

todays version of ♥

skins ☮

there is always someone else having a worse day

happy birthday

Today, not the 28th like I said in a previous blog, is my Pops birthday. He would have turned 79 today. I miss him so much! And I love him more than every single leaf that has ever fallen from every single tree in autumn since the beginning of creation! He was my hero, I looked up to him so much and I don't want to "brag" but he was so proud of me.

There are things from my past that if he knew he wouldn't be so proud of, but he died before most of my mistakes so he im glad he was ever only proud of me.

Im so glad im going to see him again when I die, it excites me. But it doesn't fill the void in my heart when I miss him. I just want a hug from my Pop ♥

Im getting really sick of people dying, especially when they don't know God. How unfair is that? Gods love is so beautiful, and He loves everyone. It's hard to believe, but he even loves that man in Bundaburg who murdered the eight year old girl, and He loves the man in the US who was a doctor, and raped more than one hundred little girls. It's very hard to believe that God can love and forgive them of their mistakes. Its a little disgusting that He can forgive so easily, but thats why He's God, because he's amazing and compassionate beyond belief. I cannot express how much God amazes me. Look at this picture, it's my Mum and her Dad, my Pop. Look how proud he is, and how much love is expressed through his face. I believe that is exactly how God looks at us, His children, every single day.

Once a month, I think (don't quote me), Good News Church has a Generation night instead of Youth, and this Friday the 26th of February, 2010, we are having an encounter night. This night is going to be incredible and God is going to work wonders in all of us! I am going to expect change in not only myself, but in others and the community. My generation of youth and teenagers are too preoccupied with sex and drugs, and it fills a hole while it lasts, but only God can fill the emptiness forever. Only God can fill my soul. From this day forth, I give Him my whole heart.

i especially ♥ alexisonfire

wow

Phillipians 4:13

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

girlfriends and boyfriends

For a long time, all I thought about and wanted was the right boyfriend. I wanted a great byfriend, who treated me the best, and who was the best. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love a great boyfriend, but my goal has changed.

Now, it's not about getting the best boyfriend, it's about being the best girlfriend. I now want to work on myself, and become a better person so in the end I can be the best girlfriend, and then wife. I want to be the woman God wants me to be, no, I need to be. Before I jump into any new relationships. And then forever.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, i'm not sure i'm over the last one. I do not love Mr X, but I do however, miss him. In saying this though, I think it's more - missing affection, and fear of being alone. Nothing within me wants him back. But there is no way only three months is enough time to move on. Apparently it is, according to him. I feel sorry for his new girlfriend, she's only going to get hurt because she's a rebound. His next girlfriend will have it good though.

I did not want to talk about that. But I think it's vital for what I am saying. If not then it's no loss.

To me now, being the best girlfriend is my priority. Seeing as I am no ones girlfriend at the moment, I am trying to be the best girl or woman for God. And through Him I will become the best, which will allow me to be the best girlfriend for someone. Please don't get this wrong, Jesus will always be number one. I am trying to live every day for Him.

I've made so many mistakes in my life, but Gods grace and love is amazing and He has forgiven me. And i'm still going to make mistakes, but thats because I'm human. So don't judge me for being a christian and slipping up, because we are all human, we all make mistakes. No one is ever going to be perfect, but all we can do is keep trying. And in the end we're going to be a much better person because of the perserverance.

rest in peace

On Sunday the 28th of February, my Pop would have turned 79. Four days later, my Nan turns 70.

For me, I find it very hard to accept that Pop is gone, even now 5 years after he died. So I can't even begin to imagine how my Nan feels.

My Pop died suddenly, he was having strokes behind his eyes, but the doctors couldn't pick it up until it was too late. One day, he went down for a nap and just never woke up. He died in the hospital early the next day. I look up to my Nan so much for her strength.

About a year ago I asked her "How did you just not kill yourself?" and shockingly she said she wanted to. But our family and God pulled her through. I can't mimagine losing the love of my life, and selfishly I hope I die before my husband, when the times comes.

I miss my Pop. He was my hero. I was his girl. He always said he'd cement me up and put me in a nunnary so nbo biys could ever hurt me. If only he actually did. As much as I'd hate to be a nunn (and obviously he wouldn't have actually done it), I wish he was still here to protect me from all the hurt in this life. Although, he was a strong willed man so the boys that have hurt me probably wouldn't be in great shape right now, ha.

In saying that, my Pop was the most amazing man. I look up to him with everything, he really was my hero. I loved him so much! I was at work a while back, and I opened a box of new clothes and they smelled like a mixture of beer and mothballs. They smelled just like my Pop. I ran to Mum and asked her what they remind her of, and she said her Dad, my Pop.

The 28th is going to be a hard day, it always is. My family will always love and miss my Pop but I know we will see him again one day, and I for one, cannot wait!

A girl I grew up with died recently. She was run over. She was so young, about 16. Life is so unfair. I'm so, so sick of people dying. Especially people dying who are not christians. I don't want anymore people to go to hell, satan has ruined enough lives I think!! I know the majority of people don't believe in God, and you don't have to right now. But He is real, you can fight me on this if you disagree but one day you'll find out the truth, and I really hope its not too late then.

Gods grace is amazing.



Rest in peace, Saville Davis, I will miss you, forever.

I love you.

my journey

Since my last blog about being over a terrible ex (we'll call him Mr X), I've had my fair share of ups and downs. I've had an amazing crush (we'll call him Henry) and everything was great, too great that it couldn't go anywhere. But that was a great 'up'. I've also recently discovered that Mr X has a new girlfriend (we'll call her Lovely). I know right, how dare him? We were only engaged and in love for 2 years, and 2 months later he's in love with Lovely and I no longer exist, that was the lowest 'down' I've had.

Although I found it very hard to accept, this has shown me that he obviously wasn't worth it, and never was. I promise myself that last time I cried over him, was also THE last time. Henry made it better that night, and he didn't even know it. As my journey continues, I'm learning that some boys just aren't worth ANYTHING; especially Mr X.

Though Lovely is a girl I went to school with, I never liked her. But in saying that, I never took the time to get to know her. I remembered her as a weird goth, so that was sort of an 'up' for me, knowing that he'd down graded. She has, however, changed her apperarence and is quite pretty, which is a 'down'. But, she is also a bad influence on him, getting him back into old, disgusting, horrid, habbits. So, his parents, as I can imagine, wouldn't be very impressed - even though they said she's a "lovely girl", and i'm sure she is.

One of my bestfriends (we'll call her Isabella - it means beautiful) is going through the same thing at the moment, she is going through everything I went through before I got 'dumped': being cheated on, neglected, disrespected, ignored, unappreciated and abused. And because I went through all of this all too recently I can relate to Isabella and help her through it. In that sense, i'm glad it happened - otherwise we wouldn't be as close again as we used to, and she'd probably be going through this alone.

I am learning that Mr X was always a... jerk, I just never noticed it before because I was head-over-heels in-love; shame on me. Shame on me for believing that he meant it when he said "I'll love you forever. I promise" and when he asked "Will you marry me?" - shame on me for saying yes. I was clearly young and stupid. Who wants to be engaged at 17? Yuck. Haha, no it wasn't yuck, i'd never been happier, it was the best night of my whole life when Mr X proposed. And although when he left me was the worst day of my life, it's very slowly turning into the best day of my life. Life would have been unimaginibly hard if we had have stayed together... thank goodness he stopped loving me.

I have to be honest, because he treated me so bad I had already started falling out of love with him too. I don't think I love Mr X anymore, just, the thought of being alone scares me to death. The single life is so, so lonely. Before I forget, I would very much like a valentine for Febraury 14th, any takers?

As I mentioned before, I cried the other night, and you have to know it had nothing to do with a brokenheart, yes I missed Mr X at the time because we went past 'our park' where we engraved a tree with our initials with a love heart around them, but I was mostly crying because I was lonely. So I went and hugged Henry and it felt so good! Though, I couldn't hold him for as long as I wanted because we were at his party and he had to entertain guests. So I went on and hugged an amazing friend of mine (he can be called Francis), and he held me for as long as I wanted. Francis is such a great friend, he let me cry on his shoulder and even made sure I got home okay. Another amazing friend who helped me on my 'down' night was... Batholomeu. Batholomeu talked to me on the phone almost all night after the party, encouraging me and helping me through my 'down' time. He turned it into an 'up'.

As you can see, I have made some very precious friends on my journey of ups and downs, and I treasure their souls. Through this journey I've also lost friends that I never imagined I would lose. My bestfriend since about grade 3 (he name can be Heidi) is friends with Lovely, so wasn't very impressed when I snapped at Lovely for nibbling up my only chance of happiness.
Another friend I lost... Veronica, was turning into a true bestfriend. I could tell her anything and I knew she wouldn't judge me or dare tell a soul. Veronica was, is, truely beautiful. The only problem is, just after Mr X and I broke up, all she could say was "Oh, I thought you alreadt broke up?" Thanks for the support there Veronica i'm glad you're here for me. People I didn't expect to even care, such as Batholomeu, were asking me if I was alright, more than Veronica. Actually Veronica still hasn;t, to this day, asked once if I'm okay. Which is disappointing. Thanks for being there for me. It seems like i've been bagging out Heidi and Veronica, and maybe I have, but I still love them so much and they will always be my bestfriends. I'm just waiting for them to be there, to be my bestfriends, act the part, or even remember me.

This has been a very long post, and it was initially for me to say: Mr X, I am over you! It's been an extremely long and hard journey and I've had more ups and downs than I've mentioned, more so downs, but I am getting through it and slowly becoming a better person from this. I truely do wish Mr X and Lovely luck and happiness, everyone deserves to feel love. And Isabella may not be okay anytime soon, but she's got me to pull her up when she's down. I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now if it wasn't for certain friends, and of course God. For "the battle is the Lords" - I have to hand my pain over to Him, it's His to take care of, because He loves me, unconditionally.

I'd like to say that i'm a better person already, but I know i'm not. I have been quite horrible to Mr X and Lovely, and incase they're reading this (which is very doubtful), know that I truely am sorry. I don't want to be that person, I'm not that person. I was controlled by jealousy and heartbreak. I have a tenancy to over react and flip out when i'm angry or hurt, which I know is no excuse at all, it doesn't excuse my nasty words, but I mean it: I'm sorry. I've been very bitter since the split, and especially when he fell in love with Lovely, but slowly I am working on myself, and God is working on me, and I will be a much better person. Especially now that i'm not with Mr X.

I hope, that if you're going through anything like this and you need help you'll talk to God, or if you don't believe in Him then contact me on www.formspring.me/ashcoup to ask me any question that you may have. If you want it to be more personal email me at ashleighcoupland@hiptop.com.au I will ask though, please don't contact me to pass judgement or mock me, I am giving my information out merely to help people who are lost.
The more you know about my life, the more i'll respect your critisisms and opinions about it.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read about my ups and downs. Keep posted for more to be added over time.
Everyone (excluding God of course) in this post has had their names changed for privacy reasons, and I will not tell you who anyone is if you ask. No 'characters' are fictional, all have played a very important role in my journey.